shares moving higher in recent trade following report that activist might seek
sale of the company—Briefing.com
June 21, 2017
this ‘all hands’ call. I’m Phil
Dickweed and as I’m sure you saw in the press release this morning, I’ve been elected acting-CEO of this
restaurant chain—”
how did pronounce your name? The press-release said ‘Dickweed.’”
“ ‘Dyke-weed.’
It’s Dutch. And I’ve been elected
acting-CEO of this restaurant chain, which has focused so much on benefitting communities across the country by creating
thousands of jobs for those without college educations and helping them educate
their children and care for their parents—rather than on short-term profits—that it committed an unpardonable sin last month: it missed earnings by three pennies, causing the stock to under-perform its
benchmarks for the quarter. Therefore the Board had no choice but to terminate the founder
and visionary whose blood, sweat and tears built a business whose focus was entirely
on its customers and the worth of its employees to society as a whole. The message I want
to bring you is that today, starting right now, all that changes, and from this
moment on we’re going to operate this business for the shareholders—”
is Dutch?”
asking?”
Piper.”
assistant has prepared for me. Starting now,
we are implementing a zero-based budgeting process that leans into the desire
for enhanced shareholder value—”
did you say, ‘lean into’?”
We’re going to lean into—”
does that even mean? Like, you’re actually
leaning while you talk?”
zero-based budgeting company.”
why didn’t you just say that, instead of this ‘leaning-in’ crap?”
Python.”
sir Mister Dickweed.”
we’re implementing zero-based budgeting like Warren Buffett’s good friends at
3G did when they took over Heinz and Burger King and Kraft and fired thousands
of people and eliminated all unnecessary spending to the benefit of Warren
Buffett and themselves through the stock appreciation—”
so what kind of car do you drive?”
kind of car do you drive? Just curious.”
to know—”
that’s like a hundred grand, right?”
why do you need a car that costs a hundred grand, Mister Zero-Based-Budgeting? Why don’t you lean into a car that costs less, like the rest of us?”
“Because it has nothing to do with work, it’s my
personal choice.”
afford a hundred thousand dollar car?”
can.”
personal choice.”
his first name,‘Total’?”
and the car I drive is a personal choice that has nothing to do—”
“It’s
a personal choice that only a guy like you can make with the money you’ve made getting people fired
when you do your little ‘activist’ raindance at all these companies you target,
right?”
if he’s so big on Zero-Based-Budgeting, why does he drive a hundred thousand
dollar car? Why not a Volvo?”
a Chevy!”
doesn’t he just take Uber?”
expensive! He should take Greyhound!”
a cliff—”
about his assistant? What kind of car
does his assistant drive?”
bet it’s better than mine—”
“Secrets in Plain Sight: Business and Investing Secrets of Warren Buffett”
on Investing, 2015) Available at Amazon.com
2017 NotMakingThisUp, LLC
the opinions of Mr. Matthews. This
commentary in no way constitutes investment advice, and should never be relied
on in making an investment decision, ever. Also, this blog is not a solicitation of
business by Mr. Matthews: the content herein is intended solely for the entertainment
of the reader, and the author.