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The Day the Dow Dropped 3,116 Points

 25 years ago today the stock market
collapsed—and I mean collapsed in the full sense of the word: on Monday October
19, 1987 the Dow Jones Industrial Average fell 22.6%, or 508 points.
 And while 508 points may not sound like much
these days, 22.6% into today’s equivalent is 3,116 points.
 3,116 points. 
Get your mind around that, as
Warren Buffett would say.
 I have a hard time getting my own mind around that, and yet I was on Wall Street that day (figuratively speaking—I worked mid-town), at a money management firm
of which I have very fond memories.  It
was a great shop, with a great client base (families mainly—this was in the
days before fund-of-funds, ETFs and all manner of dis-intermediaries between
investors and investments) and money managers with a real eye for investing in
companies (as opposed to buying stocks, which is an entirely different
mindset).
 Every time I pitched an idea—I was an
analyst—one of the portfolio managers would start nodding and say, “Oh, I have
a client who used to compete with them,” or “One of my clients sold out to
those guys”…and then I would get a lesson in how that particular company actually
managed itself behind the façade of quarterly earnings and black-and-white SEC
filings. 
 It was a great shop.
 Anyway, by the time Black Monday came, we’d
been getting strange vibes about the stresses building up in the market—not
because our clients were day-trading types who had been caught up in the pre-Crash
mania, but because they weren’t
day-trading types, and yet here we were a week or so before the collapse
getting hit with all manner of redemption requests.
  The pressure built so quickly that the Friday
before Black Monday I heard 
we’d been selling stocks overnight in Japan to raise
liquidity for somebody.  And we weren’t a
“sell overnight in Japan”-type place. 
 I thought “Well if it’s this bad for our
clients, Fidelity must be a basket case.”
 So Friday afternoon I sat at the Quotron
machine (look it up, kids) and began hunting for the highest-multiple, most
consumer-sensitive stock I could find. 
It turned out to be Home Depot, which was sort of the Lululemon of its
day.
 And I shorted Home Depot.  Not alot, but just enough to hedge my own
investment portfolio.  Then I went home
for the weekend, which is when everything came unglued.
 What I remember about Black Monday mainly was
how quiet it was (this was pre-CNBC, pre-Internet, pre-cell phones), at least for those of us in the business not screaming our guts out and waving tickets in a scrum on the floor of the NYSE, like the specialists trying to make markets that panic-stricken day.

 Our trading room (not
a big one—we only had three traders) was more like a funeral parlor.  Portfolio managers drifted in, arms crossed,
and looked over Roger or Donna or Mary’s shoulder at the screens, shook their
heads, muttered something like “What
is going on” and left the room to get
back to the calls from their clients who were asking the same thing.
  I had lunch with another analyst at a
Japanese sushi place in mid-town—it was a nice break from what seemed like the
end of our world as we knew it—and tried to think through the implications,
secure in the knowledge that, however badly it all ended, I had shorted Home
Depot, so my own portfolio was hedged.
 Otherwise, that day and the days after Black
Monday are a blur.  NASDAQ broke
down—quotes didn’t mean anything—and the shock to the system seemed
irreparable.  All manner of strategists
came through our offices over the next few weeks and months, trying to explain
what had happened and what it all meant.
 The only one I remember—the only one who made
any sense—was Larry Kudlow.   Yes, the
CNBC Larry Kudlow.

 In those days Larry was
a Wall Street economist, and quite a good one.  And
Larry sat at the head of our conference table with a group of stunned and scared portfolio managers and analysts, and he said, and I can still quote him because the sentence
was the only crisp, clear thing anybody said at the time: “What we had was a
good old-fashioned liquidity crisis.  It
started with the Fed tightening and was precipitated by portfolio
insurance…” 
 And he went on to explain why the Fed was doing
the right thing (easing like crazy) and the world would come out in good
shape.  He was the only strategist who
said that, and even though most of us thought he was a cock-eyed optimist, it turned out he was the only strategist we met that fall who had it dead right.
 In any case, our firm did remarkably well
coming out of Black Monday.  The day
after the crash, the principals had called a meeting and said to all us analysts, “Give us your single best company.” 
And then they walked out of the room and bought each one of those stocks for the firm, at a time when everyone else on Wall Street was too scared to buy anything but hard liquor and a chaser.
 Me, I closed out my Home Depot short, feeling
pretty good about it.  The stock fell 25%
on Black Monday and bottomed 30% off the price where I’d shorted it.  I bought the stock back some time that week,
feeling pretty slick that I’d had the foresight to hedge myself by shorting one
of the most popular stocks of that era.
 Of course, Home Depot has come a long way
since then.   Last night it closed at
$61.80.
 Where did I short it way back in October of
1987? 
 Well, I shorted it at the split-adjusted
equivalent of $0.70 a share, and bought it back at around $0.50 a share.
 Which means, genius that I am, I sold Home Depot for less than today’s
annual dividend of $1.16 a share.
 And that’s why, when I tell my grandchildren
the story of Black Monday, I’ll be leaving out the part about Home Depot.
Jeff Matthews
Author “Secrets in Plain
Sight: Business and Investing Secrets of Warren Buffett”
(eBooks on Investing,
2012)    Available now at Amazon.com
© 2012 NotMakingThisUp,
LLC
                                   
The content contained in
this blog represents only the opinions of Mr. Matthews.   Mr. Matthews also acts as an advisor and
clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in
securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’
recommendations.  This commentary in no
way constitutes investment advice, and should never be relied on in making an
investment decision, ever.  Also, this
blog is not a solicitation of business by Mr. Matthews: all inquiries will be
ignored.  And if you think Mr. Matthews
is kidding about that, he is not.  The
content herein is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the
author.
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Bill and Dave…and Dilbert

 There’s a Dilbert cartoon in which a frazzled
staffer tells the Pointy-Haired Boss, “Our numbers are way down.
  What should we do?” to which the Pointy-Haired Boss calmly responds,
“Reorganize the department so there’s no valid history for comparison,”
 before adding, almost as an afterthought, “Then we’ll fire a few people and give
ourselves awards for saving money,” while t
he incredulous staffer mutters “El Diablo!”
 That cartoon is not far from the reality of what has been going on the last few years in one
corner of Silicon Valley—specifically the corner of Page Mill Road
and the Foothill Expressway, home of a once proud, and mighty company founded
by two pioneering engineers: Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard.
 You can probably guess which company that is.
 In any event, Dilbert came to mind as we were
listening to the recent meeting at which the management
of that company finally admitted what everybody who more or less paid the least bit of attention
to what was going on out there in Palo Alto already knew: that things weren’t
good.
 At all.
 Now, readers of this column can’t say that anything
that happened at last week’s meeting surprised them, excepting the fact that
for one, brief, shining moment the scales seemed to fall from the eyes of Wall
Street’s Finest: f
or some reason we do not quite grasp, the bright, shiny object—“non-GAAP Earnings”—the company has been waving to distract
them from reality suddenly stopped working.
 But last week’s
analyst meeting did have at least two whoppers that go beyond earnings puffery,
recurring “one-time” charges and—our biggest beef—including only the good stuff from acquisitions like EDS (i.e.
revenues) while excluding all the bad stuff (i.e. all the costs associated with turning
EDS around…which appear endless, thus far).
Whopper #1
 “In addition, another challenge is that HP has
too many areas of focus, whether it’s products or services or geographies. When
Todd Bradley took over the Printing and Personal Systems business, he was
surprised to find that we made more than 2,100 laser printers. In every
business, we’re going to benefit from focusing on a smaller number of offerings
that we can invest in and really make matter.”
—Meg
Whitman, CEO
 Thus we have a Dilbert-esque situation in
which anybody who’s ever tried to accomplish the maddening task of downloading the correct driver for a particular HP printer knows what a company veteran apparently, somehow, did not.
Whopper #2
 Autonomy has—as we showed you here, this was an Autonomy
technology. It has tremendous technology, second to none, and has a lot of
potential to it. Where we are struggling with right now, and I’ll use that word
even, is the sales model was very non-
scalable…”
—George Kadifa, EVP Software
 In this case, one year after closing on a $10
billion acquisition (remember, that was 11-times revenue), and eleven months
after telling Wall Street’s Finest that “The integration is going well thus far,
and we are focused on enabling our global sales force to ramp on the Autonomy
product line-up, so they can begin selling Autonomy software in Fiscal 2012,” the world is now told Autonomy’s sales model “was very non-scalable” in the first place.

 Not somewhat non-scalable.
 Very non-scalable.
 We’re not sure what the truth behind both
assertions may be, but it does seem time for somebody to be held accountable at
the house of Bill and Dave—Ha!  We’re
joking. 
 It’s time for another reorg, of course. 
Jeff Matthews
Author “Secrets in Plain
Sight: Business and Investing Secrets of Warren Buffett”
(eBooks on Investing,
2012)    Available now at Amazon.com
© 2012 NotMakingThisUp,
LLC
                                   
The content contained in
this blog represents only the opinions of Mr. Matthews.   Mr. Matthews also acts as an advisor and
clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in
securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’
recommendations.  This commentary in no
way constitutes investment advice, and should never be relied on in making an
investment decision, ever.  Also, this
blog is not a solicitation of business by Mr. Matthews: all inquiries will be
ignored.  And if you think Mr. Matthews
is kidding about that, he is not.  The content
herein is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the author.
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This Just In: “HP Not Doing Well”

 In a shocking turn of events, Hewlett-Packard
executives today disclosed at a very long analyst day with Wall Street’s Finest
that the company—which makes printers that nobody really needs anymore, PCs
that nobody really buys anymore, sells outdated services offered by the former
EDS, which nobody liked in the first place—is not doing well.

 Coming up next: “Bobby Valentine Off to Rocky Start In
Boston.”  
Jeff Matthews
Author “Secrets in Plain
Sight: Business and Investing Secrets of Warren Buffett”
(eBooks on Investing,
2012)    Available now at Amazon.com
© 2012 NotMakingThisUp,
LLC
                                   
The content contained in
this blog represents only the opinions of Mr. Matthews.   Mr. Matthews also acts as an advisor and
clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in
securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’
recommendations.  This commentary in no
way constitutes investment advice, and should never be relied on in making an
investment decision, ever.  Also, this
blog is not a solicitation of business by Mr. Matthews: all inquiries will be
ignored.  And if you think Mr. Matthews
is kidding about that, he is not.  The
content herein is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the
author.
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This Just In: Netanyahu Deemed Scarier Than Ahmadinejad

 This fake headline/story is from The Onion.
 We are big fans of The Onion. 
 If the Arctic Monkeys are the official house band of “NotMakingThisUp,” and the New York Post is the newspaper of record, then The Onion would be our alter ego.
 But what is scary about this fake headline is that, somehow, it is deemed funnier and more pertinent than “Ahmadinejad Feeling Like Trip to the US to start World War III Went Pretty Well.”
 What would The Onion make of Kristallnacht?
 JM

Netanyahu Feeling Like Trip To US To Start World War III Went Pretty Well


SEPTEMBER 28, 2012 | ISSUE 48•39 | MORE NEWS IN BRIEF  
NEW YORK—Following his speech to the United Nations General Assembly this week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Friday that he is “pretty satisfied” with his trip to the U.S. to instigate World War III. “All in all, I think I accomplished my goal of pushing humanity toward the brink of complete and utter annihilation,” said Netanyahu, adding that his implicit calls for international military action against Iran, which would ultimately escalate the conflict to an Armageddon-level of death and destruction, went “fairly well.” “I think I did a good job laying the groundwork for a nuclear holocaust that will kill billions of people and eventually end the world as we know it. Sounded like everyone really liked it, too.” When reached for comment, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters that he was “equally happy” with his own efforts to nudge the world slightly closer to a full-blown apocalypse.Description: http://www.theonion.com/static/onion/img/icons/terminator.gif
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The Hewlett-Packard Truth Serum Call

 We
here at NotMakingThisUp began wondering what would happen on tonight’s
Hewlett-Packard earnings call if short-selling terrorists had managed to inject
truth serum in the plastic water bottles that every hip Silicon Valley exec
carries with them—environmental impact be damned—when they make a presentation
or just want to look cool sipping from while they contemplate a question at one
of those Silicon Valley confabs before beginning their answer with, “So…” and
repeating the question slowly while they figure out how to answer it.
 
Here goes…
 CFO
Cathie Lesjack
: “The following discussion is subject to all sorts of risk
factors, and since most of your clients have already lost a lot of money in HP
stock by listening to me in the past talk about how great we were doing and
taking it at face value, I figure you should already know enough not to pay
much attention to what we’re going to say.”
  CEO
Meg Whitman
: “Thanks Cathie.  We’re
going to dispense with reading the press release and the boo-ya stuff, since
most of you know how to read—at least you can read everything but a balance
sheet.  (Giggles)  Operator?”
 Operator:
“Thank you.” (Reads instructions)  “Our
first question is from the line of Glen Obvious.  Mr. Obvious?
 Glen
Obvious
: (Confused) “Hey, thanks. 
That was quick.  Umm…”
 Whitman:  “Operator, Glen, is trying to figure out what
to congratulate us for, because he always starts out saying ‘congratulations’
on something so his poor clients who own our stock feel better no matter how
bad the actual news is.  Why don’t you
move on to the next question while Glen gets his brain going.”
 Operator:
“Yes ma’am.  Next is Janet Literal.”
 Janet
Literal
: “Thank you for taking my question—”
 Whitman:  “Why wouldn’t we?  This is a conference call.”
 Literal:  “Well, I always say that…so you’ll think well
of me.”
 Whitman:  “Well cut it out.  We’re all grown-ups here.  You don’t have to thank us for foisting dopey acquisitions, massive write-offs, a negative tangible book value, a
highly leveraged balance sheet and non-GAAP earnings on America’s small
investors.  Just get on with it.”
 Literal:  “Okay—well, that’s my question: you don’t
have any non-GAAP numbers in the
press release.”
 Whitman:  “Yeah, we figured since those aren’t actually
based on ‘Generally Accepted Accounted Principles,’ we should probably start
going with just plain old GAAP.  It’s a
lot closer to the truth that way.”
 Literal:  “But these GAAP numbers are terrible.  You didn’t make any money.”
 Whitman:
“Bingo.”
 Literal:  “So how come your non-GAAP guidance was so
much better than this?”
 Whitman:  “D’oh!”
 Literal:  “I’ll get back in the queue.”
 Whitman:
“We won’t hold our breath, honey.  Next!”
 Operator:  “Your next question is from Fred
Forehead.  Mr. Forehead, your line is
open.”
 Fred
Forehead
:  “Thank you for—oh, sorry, never
mind that.  Meg, how should we think
about the revenue decline?”
 Whitman:  You
want me to tell you how to think about something?! 
Didn’t God give you a brain?” 
 Lesjack:
“Good gravy, Meg mentioned ‘God’! 
Operator, can we excise that from the replay?”
 Whitman:  “Is that really a problem?”
 Lesjack:  “It is if the California Political Police are
listening.”
Operator: 
“But she didn’t specify a Judeo-Christian ‘God,’ ma’am.”
 Lesjack:
“You’re right.  Thank you operator.”
 Operator:  “No problem. 
I just wish I got your pay grade.”
 Lesjack:  “Beg your pardon, operator?”
 Operator:   “Well, for starters, I never financed a $10 billion acquisition that went bad in nine
months.”
 Lesjack:  “Hey, I thought Autonomy was going to be a
great deal for us!”
 Operator:  “At 11-times revenue and 24-times
EBITDA?  Puh-leeze.”
 Lesjack:
 “And I’ll ask you to excise that from the replay, too.”
 Operator:  “Don’t hold your breath, honey.”
 Lesjack:  “In any event, our corporate counsel has just
handed me a note reminding everyone on this call that our unintentional mention
of ‘God’ is inclusive of any ‘God,’
whether that be a Buddhist ‘God’ or a Muslim ‘God’ or an atheist ‘God’—
 Whitman:  “What is wrong
with you?  Get on with the Q&A.”
 Lesjack:  “Sorry. 
Operator, is Fred Forehead still on the line?”
 Forehead:  “Yeah, still here.  So how should we think about—”
 Whitman:  “Careful…”
 Forehead:  “Sorry. 
I just don’t know how to ask a question without asking you how I should
think about something.”
 Whitman:  “Next!”
 Operator:  “Beth Band-Aid, your line is open.”
 Beth
Band-Aid
:  “Thank you so much.  This ‘negative tangible book value’ you
mentioned earlier…what exactly does that mean?”
 Whitman:  “Are you serious?”
 Operator:  “Yes she is, ma’am.  I’ve heard this girl ask questions on four
hundred freaking conference calls, and she wouldn’t know GAAP accounting from a
tomato.”
 Whitman:  “Well, for starters, it’s negative $6 per
share—”
 Band-Aid:  “Did you say ‘Negative’?”
 Operator:  “Yes she did, Beth.  It’s negative.”
 Band-Aid:  “Well, what, exactly does that mean?”
 Operator:  “It means that in all of recorded time the
folks at Hewlett-Packard have managed to lose more money on write-offs of bad acquisitions, one-time charges that happen more than once, and share buybacks at high prices to offset options issued at low prices, than they ever made selling computers and printers, that’s
what it means.”
 Band-Aid:  “Cathie, is that true?”
 Lesjack:
“Uh…yes…but…”
 Operator:  “It also means I should have her job.”
 Band-Aid:  “Meg, would you agree with that?”
 Whitman:  “Well, now that you mention it, that’s a damn good way to think about it…”
Jeff Matthews
Author “Secrets in Plain
Sight: Business and Investing Secrets of Warren Buffett”
(eBooks on Investing,
2012)    Available now at Amazon.com
© 2012 NotMakingThisUp,
LLC
                                   
The content contained in
this blog represents only the opinions of Mr. Matthews.   Mr. Matthews also acts as an advisor and
clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in
securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’
recommendations.  This commentary in no
way constitutes investment advice, and should never be relied on in making an
investment decision, ever.  Also, this
blog is not a solicitation of business by Mr. Matthews: all inquiries will be
ignored.  And if you think Mr. Matthews
is kidding about that, he is not.  The
content herein is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the
author.
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A Tale of Two Retailers

 We present below excerpts from analyst
presentations by two retailers.
 
 The first is an old, well-known department
store chain, and the presentation was made last September, when its long-time
CEO spent an hour or so ruminating about the transformation of his company.
 The second is more recent—like, this past Friday.
 And it’s by JC Penney, or “JCP” as its new-age
executives insist on calling it—a misguided nod to the company’s stock ticker,
which seems to be the one thing those executives understand about the company
and its now-muddied 110-year old relationship with the American consumer…a
relationship that won’t be getting any better any time soon so long as its
executives insist on referring to a stock ticker that 98% of Penney’s customers
wouldn’t recognize if you tattooed it on their foreheads.
 After all, did Steve Jobs walk around talk
about the great things “AAPL” was creating? 
Does Coke run ads saying, “Enjoy a KO Today”?  Do Wal-Mart greeters say, “Welcome to WMT” to
the overburdened mothers and their screaming toddlers as they begin the hair-pulling
search for the day’s bargains?
 No they do not.  But Penney executives would.
 Worse still, the company runs newspaper ads
with no identification except “JCP” on the page.  And
TV ads with only a “JCP” logo on the screen. 
It’s no wonder the company’s sales collapsed 21% last quarter.
 But if you’re expecting ex-Apple retail genius
Ron Johnson to bend a little on the “JCP” thing, well that’s not going to
happen, if last Friday’s earnings call was any indication—but we’re getting
ahead of ourselves. 
 The point here is to contrast Penney’s Friday
morning transcript detailing its current “transformation” with last year’s
presentation from another, larger department store—we’ll call it “XYZ” for
now—describing its own “transformation.”
  If you
can guess what company “XYZ” is, well, you just might be cynical enough to work
on Wall Street.
 Who We Are
  XYZ: I
think, overall, we feel good about our position in the marketplace…I would say
that our transformation over the last five to seven years—I
came [here] at a time when
the turnaround had been complete and we identified the fact that we needed to
be an attraction that people came to us for merchandise, but they also had to
have an experience that was memorable.
—9/7/11.

 JCP: We are going to become an entirely new
class of department store that doesn’t exist today.  We are going to create a new category that we
call the specialty department store and we think it is going to be profound and
let me tell you about it…
—8/10/12
Our Customer Experience
 XYZ: So we focused very much on engaging
our associates and having them be the
best ambassadors. I’m pleased to say that our customer
service scores have been outstanding and lead recent American Express poll
three years in a row, lead for department stores. I think that is a real testimonial
to the effectiveness of our sales associates.
—9/7/11.

 JCP: But
where we are most excited is how we are going to use RFID to transform the
customer experience… So next spring we will be rolling out personal check out.
So in addition to being able to check out from any employee anywhere, any time,
you will be able to check out by yourself in our stores. And we think customers
are going to like it and it is going to help our conversion and the customer
experience.
—8/10/12
Our Technology
XYZ:  We
maintain a $650 million capital expenditure commitment this year primarily on
digital infrastructure as well as remodels, two new stores, and fixture
rollouts for our attractions and new initiatives…
—9/7/11.

 JCP: From a technology perspective…we have overspent on technology as a
company. Part of that is because we have an extraordinarily complex and an
abundant number of applications to run the business.
 Mike shared
last January we have 492 unique applications, 88% of them are customized,
meaning we have done all this hard work internally to make them unique to us
and the challenge of that is 95% of the money we spend every year, $400 million
was spent to maintain and support outdated applications, which meant we only
got to spend about 5% on strategic go forward initiatives.
 If you
think about that, that is $20 million a year out of $400 million going to
something new to improve the customer experience or ability to manage the
business and the balance going to maintain outdated legacy systems. That is a
problem.
—8/10/12
Our Promotional Policy
 XYZ: Well, our pricing and promotion is set in
a year in advance, so we don’
t react on a week-to-week basis, but I will say that we
are well priced; as I said, we’re the lowest priced anchor in the mall and we
compete head-to-head in the off-mall.
—9/7/11.

 JCP: In
2011 our Company ran 590 unique promotions and the average item had 20 to 30
prices — different prices during the year. And so I figured going to three
types of prices would be a lot simpler. A great everyday price, some items at a
month-long better value and then clearance, which we called best price.
—8/10/12
Our Home Business
 XYZ: We’ve done very well in luggage, in
housewares, in the soft home side. We have a very well developed window
covering business. I think one-third of all windows in the United States have [our]
window coverings. That’s a tremendous advantage when people are building homes
and remodeling.
—9/7/11.

 JCP: And on
the home thing, just so you know, there is going to be a material change in
home.
—8/10/12
Our Online Business
 XYZ: I’ve said many times we’d been better off
if we started from scratch the dot-com than trying to change the locomotive’s
engine while we’re running down the track. So I believe we’ve done a good job
of understanding the issue, but it has not been easy, and has not been
accretive to our monthly comps. Having said that, we’ve invested heavily
because we believe it is a strength and that we have a history of being able to
ship items to a customer’s home effectively and the customer looks to us for
that.
—9/7/11.

 JCP: Yes,
we have not been performing well online. It is one of our big opportunities.
Steve Seabolt is here in the front row. Steve took over the online store in
May, we have uncovered a lot of issues — basic issues. We don’t set up our
items on time. We had items in our shops that weren’t set up online. Our
navigation is kind of kludgy at times.
—8/10/12
Our Cost Structure
 XYZ: Our expense program, overall, is really
designed to get us to as competitive as possible of a cost structure. Our
margins have been – are historically high, so we just need to make sure that
our cost structure is competitive to get back to double-digit operating profit.
—9/7/11.

 JCP: Expenses
— we have talked a lot about this at $900 million. So in 2011 we had $5.1
billion of expense. Our anticipation is that number will be down by over $900
million in 2013. And where is that coming from? About $400 million of it is
coming from our stores. It’s about $350 million coming out of our home office
and about $150 million coming out of our marketing.
—8/10/12
Our Workforce
Scheduling System
 XYZ: Our workforce utilization, our jTime
– what we call jTime, which is matching schedules to when the customer is in
the store, that’s, again, we’ve taken out cost. But at the same time, our
customer service scores have gone up because we have better staffing when the
customers actually are in the store and save the expense when obviously there
is less traffic.
—9/7/11.

 JCP: So I
think in many ways our employees are so far ahead of us and they are so tired
of having to go find a piece of paper to figure out when they should work…
—8/10/12
Our Store
Merchandising System
 XYZ: We have a very sophisticated process that
allows us to merchandise every store differently even if they’re in the same
market or in the next community.
—9/7/11.

 JCP: So we
will have as many distinct shopping choices in our 130,000 square feet as you
will find in a 1 million square-foot mall, except you won’t have to go from
check out every time you leave a store, this will be a whole unique
environment…
—8/10/12
 Those readers with good memories, or long
experience with JC Penney, or long experience with this virtual column, are
probably already ahead of the game and know that both XYZ and JCP are one and
the same: JC Penney.
 Or “JCP.” 
Take your pick.  Either way, will
the new JC Penney “transformation” work any better than the previous one?
 If it does, Ron Johnson really is a
genius.  If it doesn’t, well, at least he
tried a whole lot harder than the last crew.
Jeff Matthews
Author “Secrets in Plain
Sight: Business and Investing Secrets of Warren Buffett”
(eBooks on Investing,
2012)    Available now at Amazon.com
© 2012 NotMakingThisUp,
LLC
                                   
The content contained in
this blog represents only the opinions of Mr. Matthews.   Mr. Matthews also acts as an advisor and
clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in
securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’
recommendations.  This commentary in no
way constitutes investment advice, and should never be relied on in making an
investment decision, ever.  Also, this
blog is not a solicitation of business by Mr. Matthews: all inquiries will be
ignored.  And if you think Mr. Matthews
is kidding about that, he is not.  The
content herein is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the
author.
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Great Mysteries Of The World, Part 1: Songs Stuck In My Head

 My friend and ace financial blogger John
Hempton not only dreams about physics while he sleeps, but he comes up with
world-changing concepts in those dreams, which he writes about when he wakes
up, as you can read here.
 I wake up with songs stuck in my head.
 And not just any songs.  Really mediocre
songs.  The kind you don’t want stuck in
your head.
 This morning it was The Doors’ “The End,” a
bunch of musical noodling on top of Jim Morrison’s ersatz poetry (“This is the
end/my only friend/the end”), which at the age of 16 seemed incredibly profound, but these days, having crossed the half-century mark, seems like something that would mainly impress a 16 year old.
 I’d have preferred “Love Me Two Times” (the
lyrics of which Morrison didn’t write—Robby Krieger did), or “Soul Kitchen,” or the unheralded “Texas Radio and the Big
Beat,” one of the best but least enduring of the Doors catalogue (and a Jim
Morrison song if there ever was one), which nevertheless somehow manages to get
played on Sirius XM often enough to make me want to take back everything I said
about that satellite radio monopoly in our last holiday music review, which you can read here.
 A couple of days ago the song stuck in my head
was also unfortunate: it was Paul McCartney’s (actually Wings, but, same difference) “Jet,”
which is one of those McCartney songs I never enjoyed—even though it sort of
sounded pleasant enough on the radio—because it had what remains one of the
most outstandingly bad lyrics the Beatles’ least-cynical lyricist ever created
(“And Jet/I thought the only lonely place/was on the moon”), which, as you
might have guessed, was the lyric stuck in my head that morning.
 How did the genius who wrote “Golden Slumbers”
and “Her Majesty” ever come up with
that?  And if it had to be a song from
the “Wings” era, why couldn’t it have been “Let Me Roll It”?  (Of course, at least it wasn’t “Silly Love
Songs.”)
 Now, outside of “Revolution
# 9” you might 
think there wasn’t a bad enough
John Lennon song to qualify for this stuck-in-my-head-when-I-wake-up thing, and
“I’m Only Sleeping” isn’t exactly bad, but it’s not a song you want stuck in
your head, believe me.  It might be more
listenable than “Jet” or “The End,” but it’s not exactly an enduring Lennon number,
like, oh, “Dear Prudence” or “Starting Over.”
 And it’s not a song I’ve ever actually played
on purpose, except when it comes up on “Revolver” after you skip “Eleanor
Rigby,” which is, technically, a great song, but not one you ever want to
listen to all the way through.
 So why “I’m Only Sleeping” crops up in this
mediocre-songs-stuck-in-my-head thing is a great mystery: I haven’t heard it any
time recently—and I mean in the last 5 years, that I can remember.  But come to think of it I haven’t heard “Jet”
or “The End” lately, for that matter.
 What would be great, of course, is if somehow you could
wake up with exactly the song you wanted to wake up with stuck in your
head.

 Longtime readers know that the
house band of this virtual column is the Arctic Monkeys, whose lead singer and
songwriter, Alex Turner, I would put up there with John Lennon on both counts.
 And if there’s any way John Hempton can figure
out how, in his abnormally fecund dreams, to program “Red Light Indicates Doors
Are Secure” into a person’s random-access-memory upon wake-up, I would greatly
appreciate it.
Jeff Matthews
Author “Secrets in Plain
Sight: Business and Investing Secrets of Warren Buffett”
(eBooks on Investing,
2012)    Available now at Amazon.com
© 2012 NotMakingThisUp,
LLC
                                   
The content contained in
this blog represents only the opinions of Mr. Matthews.   Mr. Matthews also acts as an advisor and
clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in
securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’
recommendations.  This commentary in no
way constitutes investment advice, and should never be relied on in making an
investment decision, ever.  Also, this
blog is not a solicitation of business by Mr. Matthews: all inquiries will be
ignored.  And if you think Mr. Matthews
is kidding about that, he is not.  The
content herein is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the
author.
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Encore: The New-New Gettysburg Address

 The coolest thing about writing these virtual columns is that you meet a lot of interesting people, mainly through emails but also face-to-face.  After all, people with a specific knowledge of whatever you happen to write about often end up reading, and reacting to, something you happen to write about (especially if you make a factual mistake).
 It is simply astonishing sometimes who reads this stuff.
 The second coolest thing is the longevity of some columns.  For example, I wrote a piece about Best Buy in 2006 (Best Buy + Guitars = No Threat to Guitar Center, Yet) that still gets comments, six years later…mainly from musicians, which may not be saying much, given their general frame of mind, if you get my drift, but still…
 And there was an oddly passionate reaction to a years-ahead-of-its-time-even-if-I-say-so-myself column (Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday), both pro and con, from waiters and waitresses of that place for years.
 But columns don’t have to generate comments to prove they’re still being read.  Some things appear on the Google Blogger page view statistics that I forgot I wrote.  And I’ve noticed recently that for reasons beyond my comprehension, a piece from the depths of the financial crisis has consistently generated page views.
 Why, I don’t know, but since it was one of my favorites, I thought I’d reprint it here.
 The New-New Gettysburg Address popped into my head when the Feds mind-blogglingly agreed to bail out the holders of credit default swaps written by AIG at 100 cents on the dollar, at a time when the holders of those credit default swaps, which included Goldman Sachs, would probably have given their first-born children for 50 cents on the dollar.
 Oh, and the Average Joe was not getting bailed out of anything, least of all the 120% loan-to-value no-doc mortgage he’d been talked into taking out by one of the many scummy mortgage brokers whose short-sighted, commission-based incentive to close bad deals was the one real driver of the subprime crisis Congress never got around to blaming.
 The column took probably took 15 minutes to write, and another hour to polish.
 And three-plus years later it still appears on the stats of what people are reading.
 Thanks to those readers.
JM

Monday, March 16, 2009

The New-New Gettysburg Address

(With apologies to our greatest President.)

Old Gettysburg Address:

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.

It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

New-New Gettysburg Address

Four or five years ago our Investment Bankers helped bring forth on this continent, and around the world, a new banking system, conceived in Leverage, and dedicated to the proposition that all persons working for Investment Banks can create enormous Wealth for themselves with almost no Risk except to Taxpayers.

Now we the Investment Bankers of Goldman Sachs are engaged in a great Scam, testing whether that Nation of Bankers can get paid without Tipping Off the Taxpayers to that Scam.

We have come to cash our checks.

It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this, for we have Houses in the Hamptons requiring upkeep.

But, in a check-clearing sense, we can not Cash Our Checks so long as AIG cannot make good on the credit default swaps we purchased to Hedge our Leverage. Thankfully, the brave men of Goldman who struggled to Attain Positions of Power in Treasury and the White House have consecrated it, far above Barney Frank’s poor power to detract from our AIG Contracts.

The Small Investor will little note, nor long remember, how completely screwed He got, but we the Investment Bank of Goldman Sachs can never forget what they did to provide us this cash. We thank them for the $8 billion Their Government is paying to AIG in order to Make Us Whole.

We here highly resolve that The Little Investor shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under Goldman Sachs, shall have a new birth of Leverage Without Risk — and that government of Goldman, by Goldman, and for Goldman, shall not perish from the earth.

Jeff Matthews
Well, Yes, I Am Making This One Up

© 2009 NotMakingThisUp, LLC

The content contained in this blog represents the opinions of Mr. Matthews.
Mr. Matthews also acts as an advisor and clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’ recommendations. This commentary in no way constitutes investment advice. It should never be relied on in making an investment decision, ever. Nor are these comments meant to be a solicitation of business in any way: such inquiries will not be responded to. This content is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the author.

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The Federal War Against Jobs, Or, What I Did Before My Summer Vacation

 What
I just finished doing before my summer vacation, in between trying to make
money in this wacky world of investments, was only a minor skirmish in the Federal
Government’s War Against Jobs, but is instructive nonetheless to anybody who
actually wants to know what it’s like to run a business in this increasingly
bureaucratized “free market” system we identify broadly as “Capitalism” in the
United States of America in the Year 2012.
 
[The writer might have written “Year of Our Lord 2012,” but that would
have triggered some sort of lawsuit under whatever Federal Statute forbids
mentioning such things in public nowadays—ed.]
  By
way of perspective, for 19 years I have been buying and selling publicly traded securities on
nothing more than a verbal agreement over a telephone, or through a typed agreement via instant message, with men and women seated as far as 3,000 miles away from wherever I happen to be.
 Of the dozen or so traders I have dealt with on a semi-regular basis over the last two decades, I see half in person maybe once every year or two (or three), while of the remaining half, I have met five in person exactly once, and one of them I have never met at all face-to-face.
 Thus far, there has never (knock wood) [or
“touch wood,” as the Brits would say—ed.]
been a problem with that way of doing
business.
 After all, as in most businesses, you get to know what people are like by how they act—not by what they tell you over drinks in some mid-Manhattan restaurant.  So why waste time schmoozing in meetings with traders or
anyone else, for that matter?
  [This does not include
companies: the writer is happy to meet with companies all day long—ed.]   
Investing is and has always been a true relationship business.
 Nevertheless,
in their ingenious and escalating War Against Jobs, the Federal Government has
come up with ever more ways of dreaming up meaningless stuff that people have
to fill out thanks to some new law or regulation that was designed to eliminate some problem that appeared when somebody circumvented a different law or regulation.
 In this case, it is an “Institutional Suitability Certificate” demanded by FINRA [I could explain what this is but why don’t you just Google it?—ed.]

with the blessing of the SEC, and it reads as follows: [and
no, he is not making this up—ed.]

INSTITUTIONAL
SUITABILITY CERTIFICATE
AFFIRMATIVE INDICATION
OF EXERCISE OF INDEPENDENT JUDGMENT
(Pursuant to FINRA Rule
2111) [1]
In connection
with any recommended [2]transaction or investment strategy by a registered broker-dealer, the
undersigned acknowledges on behalf of the Institution named below that:
I.               It is an Institutional Account as
defined in FINRA Rule 4512(c
) [3]

II.              It (1) is capable of evaluating
investment risks independently, both in general and with regard to all
transactions and investment strategies involving a security or securities; and
(2) will exercise independent judgment in evaluating the recommendations of any
broker-dealer or its associated persons, unless it has otherwise notified the
broker-dealer in writing;
III.            It will notify [vendor] and each
broker-dealer servicing the Institutional Account if anything in this
Certificate ceases to be true;
IV.            This Certificate and the information
contained herein may be shared with broker-dealers or third parties, including
via a secure database or electronic platform established by [vendor]; and
V.              He or she is authorized to sign on
behalf of the Institutional Account named below.
By signing
this Certificate, the undersigned affirms that the above statements are
accurate but does not waive any rights afforded under U.S. federal or state
securities laws, including without limitation, any rights under Section 10(b)
of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, as amended, and the rules and
regulations promulgated thereunder.
1. Available at http://www.finra.org/Industry/Regulation/FINRARules/.

2. As defined in FINRA Rules. 

3. The term “Institutional Account” means the account of: (1) a bank, savings and loan association, insurance company or registered investment company; (2) an investment adviser registered either with the SEC under Section 203 of the Investment Advisers Act or with a state securities commission (or any agency or office performing like functions); or (3) any other person (whether a natural person, corporation, partnership, trust or otherwise) with total assets of at least $50 million as of the date of this Certificate (whether such assets are invested for such person’s own account or under management for the account of others).
 In
other words, as far as I can tell, I am acknowledging that I’m in a risky business, and assuring whoever needs assurance that I won’t hold anyone else
responsible for my actions.
 And
even though nothing in this piece of paper changes my behavior, since it is no different than how I have been doing things for 19 years, I just spent half my afternoon faxing these pieces of paper to various institutions because today was the deadline. 
[most
firms have minions who do this sort of thing, so maybe if this guy hired some
minions he wouldn’t have to fill these things out—ed.]
 All so a bunch of well-meaning back-office  types can check off the box that says they have complied with yet another meaningless rule [“meaningless” in the sense that bad guys will sign
anything, right?—ed.]
 Which
is totally non-productive, has no bearing on anything in the real world, and was a pure waste of time that would have been much better spent on research, which I will now get back to once this goes up on Jeff Matthews Is Not Making This Up.
 And that is what I did before my summer vacation [“vacation” in the sense of
“work all day near a beach”—ed.]
 Jeff Matthews
Author “Secrets in Plain
Sight: Business and Investing Secrets of Warren Buffett”
(eBooks on Investing,
2012)    Available now at Amazon.com
© 2012 NotMakingThisUp,
LLC
                                   
The content contained in
this blog represents only the opinions of Mr. Matthews.   Mr. Matthews also acts as an advisor and
clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in
securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’
recommendations.  This commentary in no
way constitutes investment advice, and should never be relied on in making an
investment decision, ever.  Also, this
blog is not a solicitation of business by Mr. Matthews: all inquiries will be
ignored.  And if you think Mr. Matthews
is kidding about that, he is not.  The
content herein is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the
author.


Categories
Uncategorized

The Stupidest Thing Microsoft Has Done…This Year

 I have written more than once about various
Microsoft follies over the years.
  You
can read my personal favorites here, here and especially here.
 The central problem at Microsoft is—as with
most companies, sports teams and even hedge fund managers—also its greatest
strength: to whit, the Windows Operating System.
 By this I mean that Microsoft makes so much
money from the Windows OS that everything it does—and I mean everything—is driven
by the OS folks, whose mission it is to put Windows everywhere.
 That’s why Microsoft’s hardware customers end
up making lousy cell phones, lousy netbooks, lousy notebooks, and, pretty
soon, lousy tablets: because all those products have to run, support and
promulgate the Windows OS.
 (For a really great video spoofing this topic, watch
this “Microsoft Glasses Project,” based on the futuristic Google eyeglass
caper.)
 And in case you’re wondering about X-box, which
is an undeniably good product—well, that just proves the point: X-box is not Windows-based.
 As a result of its Windows-Everywhere mania,
Microsoft has done many stupid things, like holding an “iPhone funeral” way back in 2010,
when Windows Phone 7 was touted as the greatest cell phone software
since…Windows Phone 6, I guess.
 Now, you would have thought Microsoft might
have learned its lesson about doing stupid things like that dopey “iPhone
funeral”—or at least Steve Ballmer would have learned to steal a page or two from
the Steve Jobs playbook and a) stop with the stupid gimmicks, b) keep his mouth
shut until he had a great new product, and c) release the product when it was
ready.
 But no, he has not, if the “Surface” tablet
announcement is any indication.
 Still, I didn’t realize how badly Microsoft blew the “Surface” announcement until I was talking to what we 50+ year olds
call “young people”—i.e. anyone under 30—at a family gathering this weekend.
 They all said the “Surface” looked pretty
slick, what with the keyboard-cover and all, and they all said how the Twitter
chatter was going great guns until the thing ended with no discussion of price
or availability.
 Why, they asked me, the old man, didn’t
Microsoft announce a price for the “Surface”? 
And why no release date?
 I explained to these Apple-centric youngsters
how, back in the day, when Microsoft saw a new thing coming that threatened
their monopoly, they simply announced a new product, immediately freezing their
customers from using whatever was threatening their monopoly until whenever it
was that Microsoft got around to making the new product and releasing it.
 So Microsoft’s seemingly illogical behavior
with the “Surface”—i.e. announcing a product without a price or a ship date—was
perfectly logical in the Microsoftian World, even though it totally blew the
free publicity of the announcement itself and doomed the “Surface” to the
inevitable irrelevance of, say, “Windows Phone 7,” about which I will bet
dollars to donuts you have not heard since the “iPhone funeral.”
 And that, it seems to me, is the stupidest
thing Microsoft has done.
 This year, at least.
Jeff Matthews
Author “Secrets in Plain
Sight: Business and Investing Secrets of Warren Buffett”
(eBooks on Investing,
2012)    Available now at Amazon.com
© 2012 NotMakingThisUp,
LLC
                                   
The content contained in
this blog represents only the opinions of Mr. Matthews.   Mr. Matthews also acts as an advisor and
clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in
securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’
recommendations.  This commentary in no
way constitutes investment advice, and should never be relied on in making an
investment decision, ever.  Also, this
blog is not a solicitation of business by Mr. Matthews: all inquiries will be
ignored.  And if you think Mr. Matthews
is kidding about that, he is not.  The
content herein is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the
author.