Dear Tom…

.Mr. Cruise and his production partner, Paula Wagner, say they will finance future films with money raised from unnamed hedge funds.–The Wall Street Journal
Dear Tom,
Thank you for your proposal regarding a hedge fund investment in your production company, “L. Ron Hubbard Presents…”

But I think we’ll pass.

It’s not so much the heavy up-front spending nature of the movie development business, or the fact that returns are highly dependant on the successful control of artistic variables such as writing, filming, acting and editing, not to mention uncontrollable forces such as audience taste, weather patterns, economic concerns and Acts of God.

Our concern is that you are, in short, a whack.

During the course of an extensive due-diligence process (which consisted mainly of reading Page Six of the New York Post religiously), we discovered a number of disconcerting episodes in which you felt the need to—let’s be kind—inflate your resume with a number of tales of heroics you supposedly performed outside the movie theater.

Like the time you were filming in New Zealand and, according to your publicist, helped a family change a flat tire on a country road—and then “assisted a young girl in catching her runaway horse.”
(What, precisely, did you do? Rope the poor beast from your private helicopter?)

Or the time, a few years before the horse-wrangling episode, you supposedly helped a woman being mugged “on a London street and stopped thieves from making off with more than $150,000 in jewelry.”

Hello, Tom, you’re one of the most recognizable celebrities in the world, with bodyguards 24/7, so what happened—the thieves dropped the jewelry and asked for your autograph?

We hedge funds have enough to deal with in the realm of CEOs who pretend to be something other than they are, and we’re not about to hand over money to yet another guy who, well, makes it up.

And here’s a tip when it comes to your efforts in securing hedge-fund financing: in the future, you might want to play down the fact that your religion—not that there’s anything wrong with religion—touts the use of something called ‘electropsychometers’ to “locate areas of spiritual distress or travail.”

I am not making that up. As part of our due diligence we also looked at the Scientology web site, and it’s a little scary, pal:

“The E-Meter is a religious artifact and can only be used by Scientology ministers or ministers-in-training. It does not diagnose or cure anything. It measures the mental state or change of state of a person and thus is of benefit to the auditor in helping the preclear locate areas to be handled.”

Now, I’m sure Scientology has done wonders for you and your career, and it’s not like other religions don’t have their share of odd beliefs.

But I think, for now, we’ll pass.

Good luck with it.

Jeff Matthews
This One I Made Up

© 2006 Jeff Matthews

The content contained in this blog represents the opinions of Mr. Matthews. Mr. Matthews also acts as an advisor and clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’ recommendations. This commentary in no way constitutes a solicitation of business or investment advice. It is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the author.